I wanted to do my own part to honor J. Lo's wedding to the recently divorced Marc Anthony, and what with the cinetrix throwing fuel on the flame of Starz!'s "double-dog dare," I thought what better way to celebrate the wedding and pending divorce of these two lovebirds by seeing living proof of why Bennifer could never have worked.
That's right kids: I sat through Gigli. That's the kind of public service you get here at Out of Focus. I sacrificed two hours of my life for your reading pleasure.
Actually, I'm ashamed to say I hadn't seen Gigli previously since I am a voting member of the Golden Raspberry Award Foundation. And I must say, I went into my Gigli experience expecting all the hype to be just that. There were some remarkably atrocious movies last year, and I throw 2 Fast, 2 Furious, Bad Boys II and The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen at the very top of that list. Still, after now seeing Gigli, I can whole-heartedly agree that the film, Bennifer and most importantly writer-director Martin Brest wholeheartedly deserved their Razzie dis-honors!
Ben and Jen exhibit no chemistry at all, and Affleck is simply laughable as a mob heavy. But the real reason this movie has not one redeeming moment falls in the lap of one of the top hacks working today, and that's Mr. Brest. Brest wasn't so terrible with his earlier hits Beverly Hills Cop and Midnight Run, but I'm willing to bet those movies worked more due to their talented casts and Brest staying out of the way. With both Scent of a Woman and Meet Joe Black, he started to exhibit a propensity for making really overlong movies. Clocking in at 3 hours, Meet Joe Black was in desperate need of an editor to stop me from wanting to jump into the screen and walk off with Joe/Brad Pitt a/k/a Death. The movie was absolutely terrible, but it had a good movie hidden underneath.
Gigli is only two hours, but like Meet Joe Black and the underwhelming Scent of a Woman, Al Pacino's life achievement Oscar not-withstanding, it was still a good hour to 90 minutes too long.
The cinetrix provides a brief example (scroll to end of post) of how ludicrous the dialogue is in Gigli, but as a further public service, I took it upon myself to transcribe the dialogue of the following scene which truly presents in a neat little package everything that is wrong with this movie.
The first thing you must know is that J.Lo's character has been sent to watch Affleck's stereotypical macho hitman guard the mentally handicapped brother of a U.S. Attorney who the latter was ordered to kidnap. Affleck's Larry Gigli has the hots for Jenn's "Ricki," but their first night together he learns that she's a lesbian.
In this scene, Gigli walks into his bedroom to find Ricki doing yoga in front of the sliding glass door which leads to the shimmering pool. As this conversation evolves, J.Lo continues to move from pose-to-pose ("Oh look Martha, she looks like she's switching between different sexual positions." "Turn away, Harold. Turn away!"), and Ben makes faces that are (I suppose) meant to indicate his sexual frustration. The only stupid-ass cliche not included in this scene is Ben putting a pillow over his crotch and skulking out bent over to conceal his hard-on.
I apologize for the lack of proper screenplay form and my inability to adequately describe all of Affleck's freakish ticks and J.Lo's various poses. With that in mind ... enjoy ... or cringe. Whatever.
Gigli (Affleck): So I'm not your type, huh?Ricki (Lopez): How did we get back there all of a sudden?
Gigli: Relax. I've got more women than I know what to do with. Don't need to be dippin' into the sisterhood. But I'm just curious. Cause all of a sudden now, you say you've been with guys.
Ricki: I have.
Gigli: They have their … uh … shortcomings?
Ricki: Besides the fact that they give terrible head?
Gigli: See, right there that tells me something. I know the guys you been with obviously didn't know how to … uh … how to bring home the pearls when they're diving for oysters.
Ricki: I was actually just joking.
Gigli: Yeah, well, we're letting it all hang out now. Let me tell you something else. When it comes to pleasing a woman, your girlfriends … they're just … they're at a natural disadvantage. It's like they might try hard, but they're just not backed up with millions of years of genetic engineering … programming … instincts. Nature has evolved man for that purpose. To satisfy. To lead the pack. That's why these lesbians are always going out buying … you know … spending all their dough on … like, you know, sexual appliances. Erotic monkey-wrenches and shit, and trying to compensate for what they don't have … they're not getting.(He cracks knuckles and then pushes his fist in the air as he says …)> Penis. That's right. It's very design tells you everything you need to know. Bold motion. Advancements. Fucking progress into the dark, deep, mysterious unknown. It's like adventure-seeking. Frontier conquering. Obstacle eradicating.
Ricki: Oh. And you tried to create the impression you didn't read books.
Gigli: Settle for second best. That's all I'm saying.
Ricki: So in review, you're saying that it's men. They're at the top of the must-fuck pyramid.
Gigli: That's all I'm telling you.
Ricki: Loving, caring, sensitive, giving men.
Gigli: That's right.
Ricki: Well you're entitled to your opinion, but let us reconsider women for a minute, shall we?
Gigli: Sure.
Ricki: They're form. Neck. Shoulders. Legs. Hips. I think pretty cool. Now as far as your famous penis goes, the penis is like some sort of bizarre sea slug, or like a really long toe. I mean, it's handy. Important even. But the pinnacle of sexual design? The top of the list of erotic destinations? I don't think so. One's first impulse is to kiss. What? To kiss the lips. Firm, delicious, lips. Sweet lips. Surrounding a warm moist dizzingly scented mouth. That's what everyone wants to kiss. Not a toe. Not a sea slug. A mouth. And why do you think that is, Stupid? Because the mouth is the twin sister, the almost exact look-alike of the what? Not the toe. The mouth is the twin sister of the vagina. And all creatures big and small seek the orifice, the opening to … to be taken in. Engulfed. To be squeezed and lovingly crushed by what is truly the all-powerful, all-encompassing.… No, if it is design you’re concerned with, hidden meanings, symbolism, power.… No, forget the top of Mt. Everest. Forget the bottom of the sea. The moon. Stars.… There is no place, no where that has been the object of more ambitions, more battles than the sweet sacred mystery between a woman's legs that I am proud to call -- my pussy. So I guess this is just my roundabout way of saying that it is women who are, in fact, the most desirable form. Wouldn't you agree?
Gigli: I agree.
Ricki: Mmmmm … and so do I.
AAAANNNNNNNDDDDDDD ... scene.
I'm going to have to disagree very slightly here. Not that I think Gigli is not a bad movie (let's face it, it's pretty damn bad), but it didn't seem quite as bad as I'd expected when I finally saw it. It debuted on video here, so I never saw it on the big screen... maybe you need a proper cinema viewing to fully "get" the badness of it all?
Posted by: James Russell | Friday, June 11, 2004 at 01:41 AM